Unforgiving Forgiveness

I’m going to ungrumble, unrumble and humble myself
Have myself seat by my side at the bay
Watch the night rape the day as the sun sets
And the day coming to its rescue as dawn approaches
I’m going to write about this day
On the sand surrounding this bay

As I prepare to front you before I take my first step,
Towards you to face up
And tell you, it’s too late there’s nothing to fix
But I forgive you and I seek forgiveness too

For those times you had to splutter to keep me on track
In bid not to spare the rod and spoil me
I forgive you
For those times I listened twice when you spoke once
Don’t do this! Don’t do this! Do that
And indeed, I did just that
I forgive you

For those times I wept when you emo-psychologically swept my mum off her feet
And you brazenly kept the playing the blame game while doing all the same mistakes
I forgive you

I’m going to go all Jesus on you
/Ayi Mukama musonyiwe abadde tamanyi kyaakola/
For indeed I may not forget but I do forgive you

I have looked back to my childhood
That has left my eyes growing misty
I know I may not unfix this
But I have simmered down
And thought to seek forgiveness too

For the times I crept on the floor to hide under my bed
When I heard you knock at my door
I seek forgiveness too,
For loving you once and my mother thrice
For the nights you stayed up to listen to me,
Yet I, I was dosing you on somnolence
I seek forgiveness too,
For the times I failed to respect my curfew
And for a few I went all Sheldon Cooper on you
I’m not late; it’s just 5 minutes past midnight a.m.
And I’m from the central hemisphere of the earth,
Close to where latitude 0 ◦ and longitude 0 ◦ meet.

I know you held your hand behind your back,
Tightened your fist to control yourself from hitting me
And you blinked thrice to hold back your tears
I do respect your fragile ego
So, I seek forgiveness to

I’m sorry that you’ve seen me as a being so soul-less
I know your assumption is not baseless
But I am not heedless
I have had rounds of heebie-jeebies that have got me soul searching
My lips have parted in a soundless scream
A scream that has got me down on my knees as I awoke from my dream
I notice you’re the MAN in my background and my fore front
I know you’ve been the silhouette of my shadows

ALLAH just ground breaks and overrules
“Fabi Ayyi aalaa’ irabbiku maa tukadhibaan”

I can’t deny any I won’t lie
I remember you taught me how to tie a tie
And told me never to lie
But before my timeline gets my body lying as a corpse
I want to let you know that I know…

I know men liked being looked up to
And I’m sorry for looking up to you only until,
I lost myself in you and I thought I lost out on you
Because I want my son to look up to his Daddy to

For those times you blue ticked me, I know you were teaching me
To survive on my own
For that time, I came to you with activated tear glands because my kitten had passed on
And you silently looked at me
I know you felt my pain to but you were teaching me not to always seek pity
You groomed me to be a soldier who is pretty witty
And yes, I have grown up to be a barking dog that does bite
One that knows the difference between responsibility and rights

And Yes! I love you Dad.
I always

___

This Realization;

That a girl child is trained to be a “husband pleaser” from such a tender age
And a Boy is never! Not at all taught how to be a “wife pleaser”
Otherwise, they’d be no such thing like divorce.
So, this is to you my future daughter.

Dear Daughter,
I welcome you to the Planet Earth.
Welcome to a world, where you’ll be considered powerless because you’re a girl
Where you’ll be considered weak because of the physique of your gender
Where your speeches, suggestions and views will often go un-noticed because the News anchor will subconsciously be focused on your physique or your shoe.

Oh Yes! I welcome you with pleasure and joy
Welcome to a society that expects nothing from you
One that’s going to gawk at you in attempt to shut you up, if you dare to speak.
One that’s going to let you down when you walk with your head held high
One that’s going to make you cry at times and you’ll have to endure
Even when right in front of you is a cure.

I’m not going to lie to you that the World is ready for you
Nor I’m I going to fry you, Golden chips with diamond sauce

But I want you to be ready for the world in all seasons
I want you to know that you’ll always be surrounded by rules
First in your father’s house then in your husband’s home
So never expect yourself in the domination
But please! Do not ever take oppression for an option

Never be taken up by this mythically stereotypic society
Be down to earth but ensure your pride is always in plenty!
Be a great listener but filter what you take in
Put in mind that you’re never going to please everyone
Not everyone will want things done your way
For some people always prefer diamonds to Gold

You ought to know you may make mistakes along the way
But it’s never too late to correct them
Be energetic enough to move on whenever you fall
Make sure you’re never empty at all
My dear, never seek pity from any one
Not everyone has your time, because everyone has more than enough to deal with
I want you to lower your expectations as much
For better it is, to be surprised than to be disappointed

I’m going to nurture you into an adorable independent lady
One who will leave a smile on everyone’s face
One who will stick to principle whatever the case

I’m going to teach you how to cook, how to work, how to read, how to speak, how to write poetry, how to do things on your own dearest.
I will teach you how to be first a daughter, then a sister, then a wife and lastly a mother but Never a “pleaser”
Sweetheart you’re going to have to learn some things on your own for this world is full of trials that you just have to go through
Even where there’s no crisis

/And this hijab that you’ll wear/I want you to know that it’s so much more than just a cloth/It’s a reminder to the world that you’re so much more than what they watch, a mind, body and soul not controlled by every little media box, before every trend and friend You only have to worry about impressing one GOD! /

I may not ably walk your whole journey with you
But I am going to make you a bag pack wrapped up with Faith, Love, Care, Peace, Happiness
and Patience
Safe journey
… I love you